Everything You Know Is Wrong pt2

Am I really an alien?
Previously I discussed that I made the discovery that I didn't belong in this world. By "the world" I mean not just this physical reality, but the world that man has made it physically, socially, and morally perhaps even spiritually. All of my rational arguments conviced me that there would be evidence to support this idea, and further to that, perhaps an answer to this dilemma.

So firstly to find any evidence that I was truly not of this world, and not just in my imagination.
From a personal perspective the evidence was all there. I felt a sense of morality, and I watched as morality was mocked by politicians, boards of directors, the media, and people all around me. Of course there were other good moral people around me, but so many people said that each person had the right to choose his or her own morality. They said that no choice had a higher value than another, and each were equally valid to the person who chose it. This seemed absurd to me. If there is any purpose to morality, it is the fact that it actually makes value judgements on the validity of a choice. If one morailty was right, then opposing moralities were wrong. Here was a clear indication that I was out of step with modern thinking at the very least, and possibly out of phase with the world today. I felt a sense of justice that was violated at every turn. Something inside me said that if a wrong is perpetrated, then a penalty must be paid. However eveywhere I looked I saw people getting away with injustices without any price to pay. It seemed that some people could just buy their way out of trouble. The richer you were, the more associations it seemed you would have and also more chance you had of "pulling some strings" to get you out of trouble. My inner being demanded justice, but the world I observed failed to always hold people accountable. I concluded that there was an inherent wrongness about this. From a personal perspective it was clear that I was mismatched to this world that I was born into.

But what about practical purposes apart from my personal offence at the world? Was there any evidence that practically speaking I was a misfit in this world. Surely I could assimilate to the extent that life could be livable, perhaps even enjoyable despit feeling like a misfit.
In many cases people who are labelled misfits in schools are really the people that the supposed cool people reject. The accurate explanation of this is probably that the attractive, egotistical people decide what is cool and what is not, and eveyone who is not them are misfits. The truth is that they are the biggest misfits of all because they tend to reject everything which is other to them despite them being the minority group. However I was in the unique position of being one of the supposed cool people (to which my daughter refuses to believe), but I realised that I was hanging around a bunch of losers (apologies to those people I am referring to). By losers, I mean that they had attitudes and behaviours that were peer-driven, selfish, arrogant, elitist and ultimately self-destructive. I didn't fit the social grouping because I disagreed with the majority of their philosophy. As a result I changed peer groups and found some people that were more honest and genuine. But even in that group, though more confortable, I still felt that there was a chasm between what social interaction was meant to be and what it was in practice. As far as actual school work is concerned, I found it only mildly challenging, until senior high. Then I took some difficult subjects that made me realise that my mind didn't really want to accept the teaching that I was attempting to give it. So although I performed very well in school, there began in my mind a spark of awareness that academic study was not designed for my brain. I only got so far (with very little effort) and it seemed that it required an extraordinary amount of effort to achieve a relatively small gain in improvement.

This was to begin to crytallise when I studied at University. The deeper the academic study went (I am talking about mathematical sciences here) the more I realised that even science couldn't perfectly fit the world. It came close, but again, the closer you got to true answer, the more extraordinary the amount of effort was needed to make it even more accurate. It's a little bit like converging to a number that is infinite but never actually completely getting there. Attempting to calculate Pi is an example, and there are many more complex problems that require small amounts of work to get a very good estimate of the solution, but then require a great amount of work to make that answer marginally more accurate. There also seemed to be a large amount of guesswork (educated guesswork I admit) where certain things were unknown. What didn't seem right to me, was that we should get so close but never be exact. Now you may say that mathematics is exact, and I agree, but the problem lies in its ability to perfectly represent reality. It comes ever so close but never perfect, and it seemed to me that this was unsatisfactory. Certainly from a pragmatic approach this was fine, but from a philosophical viewpoint it troubled me. Yet another arrow into the target for my mismatched theory.
I found that in every area of life, whether it be work, social, family etc, that there is always a feeling of "mismatchedness". Nothing is the way that it ought to be. I wondered why I thought it ought to be another way unless I was designed to live a certain way, but I was actually living contrary to that design.
And was I alone in this conviction?